The True Tale of a
Northern Girl in South Florida:
Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a magical land called Port. It was a wonderful place of lush green
forests, beautiful rivers, and magical mountains. Most of the inhabitants were a pale and strange
sort of folk who rode shared magical goats, followed silly laws made by the
True Sters of Hip, and were sustained by magical elixir from the town of Stump
that convinced them of the truth of their greatness.
The True Sters were easy to spot for they sported drab,
utilitarian garments and had the strangest of celebrations. Every Stersday, the holiest day of the Sters,
now known as every day, at brunchteen o’clock in the afternoon they would
gather for their brunch feast that would last all day. There they would eat the rarest magical foods
found only in the local forests and mountains and play games of one-upmanship
in which they competitively displayed their knowledge gathered only from New,
Proper, and Rare mystics.
In this silly land lived a beautiful girl named Erica and
her faithful moon beast Zoe P Buttons.
Erica was a skilled apprentice knowledge weaver who toiled day and night
in the Castle of Knowing high atop Pill Hill.
Zoe was skilled in the mystical art of licking and would lick day and
night to help Erica weave. How this
helped is unknown even to this day, but it must have helped because they would
weave beautiful tapestries and gowns of pure knowledge using all of the magical
techniques taught to Erica by her kindly mentor Olegg the Jinn.
One day she brought the Jinn a gown of the highest quality,
one of which she was most proud.
“Oh mighty Jinn, look at this gown of which I am most proud”
said she.
The Jinn inspected the gown very carefully, and after
conferring with many other learned and wise weavers said to her, “Erica, this
gown is of such renown that you must don it and attend the Good Job now go do
this Somewhere Else Ceremony of Doneness.”
“But what shall I do once it is done?” asked Erica “The True
Sters of Hip brunch all Stersday and have no use for a knowledge weaver such as
me.”
“Though you may not stay in the Castle of Knowing” replied
the Jinn, “I will help you discover where your knowledge weaving skills are
most needed.”
And so Erica and Zoe went forth to spread their creations to
faraway lands
Chapter 2
As Erica and Zoe searched for a place that would welcome
their skills they were told of a place that was in desperate need of knowledge
weavers, but no one in Port truly believed was real. It was the mythical land of iMaim on the far
side of the world. It was rumored to be
the opposite of Port in every way.
This was a land that according to legend was controlled by
shiny humanoid robots who lived in the mighty brick towers of Ell. It was they who, according to legend, wore expensive
shiny coats of ignorance and travelled recklessly about on the backs of subjugated
Perobutlikes. The Perobutlikes had a
strange and misunderstood culture which was why the robots used them without a
second thought. There were terrible tales of nocturnal creatures who lived on a
shiny beach, breathed powdered snow, and wore no cloaks at all. Lastly, though spoken of less than the
others, was the Wood of Wyn wherein dwelt the False Sters of Hip of whom little
was known.
These tales scared Erica and she was reluctant to begin her
journey. She only knew of the brick
towers of Ell, the shiny beach, and the rumored Wood of Wyn.
She consulted with Zoe, “Oh Zoe, how will we do to find a
safe and wonderful place to live in this terrible land?”
Zoe replied “Ding.”
“Ah,” said Erica, “ding is true! We must send word over Cupid’s
vast and ok web of persons asking for where in iMaim is both safe and wonderful
to be.”
It was this moment, though she did not realize it, which
would change her life forever.
Chapter 3
Hidden deep within iMaim was a very old and small village,
one that was even older than iMaim itself. It was called Palmetto Grove and few
outsiders had ever heard of it. The
village had many wonderful foodstuffs and libations from lands both near and
far. There were also magical creatures
such as jummitz beasts, lizards, and colorful birds of all varieties. Best of all, it was free of the terrible
inhabitants of the rest of iMaim. It was
very hard for the shiny humanoids to bring their perobutlikes to this place,
the village was too warm for the snow the nocturnal creatures breathed, and the
False Sters of Hip rarely ventured far from the Wood of Wyn.
In this tiny village lived Absurdo the Normal, a kind and
knowledgeable individual who weaved undergarments of learning in the outpost of
Learnish. Absurdo possessed many of the
positive traits Portlanders were known for and rode about his village on a
jummitz beast named Potato. They were
accompanied by a giant cat named simply Giant Mr. Kitty.
Late one night Absurdo was searching the vast and ok web of
persons. He saw Erica’s call for help
and responded, “I do not know why you would leave such a magical land as Port,
but whatever you do you must not attempt to live amongst the artificial humanoids
who dwell in the brick towers of Ell because it is a terrible place. You must also avoid the nocturnal people of
the shiny beach, and the False Sters of Hip who dwell deep within the Wood of
Wyn.”
“I appreciate the helpful advice” replied Erica, “but where
will I live if not those terrible places?”
“Palmetto Grove is a wonderful village” said Absurdo “and I
know just the person to help you in your quest for lodging. I will summon Vanna of the Grove to aid you.”
“Thankyou Absurdo, I will take you to lunch when I come to
scout iMaim for lodging”
Chapter 4
When it came time for her to visit the village of Palmetto
Grove she called Absurdo and they went out to lunch. As they walked through the village and talked
over lunch Absurdo thought perhaps this Portlander would be in need of magical
elixir to keep her alive. It just so
happened that he knew one of the few places in all of iMaim to procure such a
beverage and so they went to the Wood of Wyn to ask the magic coffee panther
for its life brining elixir.
While drinking the panther’s elixir they spoke of their
lives, families, and many other topics of both great and minor importance.
“I live a life and think thoughts of both great and minor
importance” said Erica
“Ah, that is most amazing” replied Absurdo, “so too do I
live and think of things in much the same manner! This is most fun! Perhaps you
would care to join me and my friends for merriment and fun.”
“I too love both merriment and fun from time to time!” said
Erica
And so they had both merriment and fun with his friends
until late into the night.
Unfortunately she returned to the land of Port and many
weeks passed with little communication between them.
Chapter 5
While preparing for their journey Erica noticed that Zoe was
behaving in an even more peculiar manner than usual. Zoe was confused about something specific,
rather than her standard generally confused state, mostly she wondered why all
of her possessions were being packed up.
Wanting clarification she looked at Erica and asked “ding?”
“Zoe, did you ding?” replied Erica “in answer to your
dingish query I must tell you that we are going to go on a journey of fantastic
and epic proportion to the faraway land of iMaim!”
“Ding?” Zoe timidly asked
“Yes, we will head through the place of comings and goings
and it will be most uncomfortable. Don’t
worry though, I will give you a magic pill that will make it much better” said
Erica in an attempt to reassure Zoe.
“Ding” Zoe replied, somewhat reassured but still a bit
apprehensive about the whole thing.
After their conversation Erica realized Zoe the moon beast
would never be as good a traveler as she was a licker and they would need a
comfortable way to get from the place of comings and goings to their new home
in iMaim. So she contacted Absurdo and
once again asked for help.
“I would be more than happy to oblige” said Absurdo in
response to her query.
And so it was that upon Erica and Zoe’s arrival Absurdo met
them at the place of comings and goings and brought them to their new home.
Chapter 6
Time passed and much fun was had by all as Absurdo and Erica
traipsed throughout iMaim. They spent
much time in Palmetto Grove seeing all sorts of wonderful lizards and colorful
birds. Erica was especially fond of the
fred lizards and the almost as amazing notfred lizards. They visited the many wonderful eateries
located throughout the grove and enjoyed many flavors and ingredients from both
near and far. They saw many moving
pictures in the magical moving picture house.
They had many merry beverages at the various merry beverage shops.
He even took her to the court of King James to see the
amazing feats performed by the flying men of iMaim.
Of all this Erica remarked “oh Absurdo, iMiam is not nearly
as terrible as I thought it would be.”
“I knew this would be true as long as you did not live in
the many unpleasant parts of iMaim of which you have yet to visit” happily replied Absurdo.
Erica, upon hearing this had a feeling she could not shake
and said rather hesitantly “though you have told me of these terrible places,
we have yet to go and see the terrors they contain. Could we see them once, maybe they aren’t
quite as awful as you make them out to be?”
“Ok, though I am fairly certain though you will find some
humor to be had, you will find these to be most unpleasant places.”
And so on the second Saturday of the month they set off to
the wood of Wyn to see the False Sters of Hip celebrate their monthly Paint
Stroll. One might ask what Paint Stroll
is, and Erica asked exactly that.
Absurdo, feeling somewhat uncertain of how to describe the ritual said
this:
“Paint Stroll used to be a fun and joyous occasion during
which a few artisans would open their shop doors and the now extinct NonSters
of Hip would bring their merry beverages and stroll from painted wall to
painted canvass enjoying life and color all the while. Sadly, as time went on the False Sters of Hip
descended upon the idyllic Wood of Wyn and caused a dire shift in the
celebration. Now it is a time during
which the False Sters paint their faces to match the meaningless arm art of
their tribes and don their most expensive cloaks of ignorance. They strut stare at each other while they ignore
the painted walls and canvasses they stroll past.”
“That sounds terrible!” exclaimed Erica.
Now armed with this knowledge Erica and Absurdo headed off
on his jummitz beast to the evil Wood of Wyn.
Erica quickly became uncomfortable because of the crowds of
ignorant False Sters and got annoyed by the Sters who stepped on her and gawked
at her meaningful arm art but said no words to her afterwards. After this terrible ordeal they were very
careful to avoid the Wood of Wyn on the terrible night of Paint Stroll.
They were also very careful to avoid the other most awful of
places and creatures as much as is possible.
They observed the artificial humanoids that lurk and stalk about the
depths of the brick towers of El and vowed never to return to such a terrible
place. As luck would have it they never
encountered the nocturnal people of Shiny Beach who only come out very late at
night and never leave the island preserve on which they live.
But all the while, as wonderfully as things were going,
Absurdo was scared. He felt strongly
about Erica but his past made him fearful that something as wonderful as this
must surely end poorly. So he decided to
seek out the wise woman Mosby who according to legend traveled from east to
west and knows many things. It is said
that she lived in a hidden bungalow in the center of the grove that was
protected by the fabled Hairy Ted Beast.
Chapter 7
Knowing that he must learn the wisest course of action he headed
deep within the grove to find the hidden bungalow in which Mosby the wise woman
lived. Upon finding the bungalow,
Absurdo, careful not to awaken the foul beast protecting the dwelling, knocked
on the door and was greeted by Mosby the wise.
Absurdo told the wise woman all the events that had unfolded and asked
for her advice.
The wise woman told Absurdo “now that I know all the events
that have unfolded I must advise you thusly.
If you feel as you do and it ends as it may, then you will know her
never again. However, if you should be
friends with Erica you can know her for many moons to come. I will strike a bargain with you that will
ensure this will come to pass. La.”
And so they strike a bargain by which if Absurdo fails to be
only friends with Erica a great pain will come to him. Try as he might, his feelings for her are so
strong he knows breaking the bargain will be worth the great pain and he breaks
his promise. And a great pain came to
him.
Chapter 8
As more time passes the two grow closer and their feelings
grow stronger. They have many more
adventures all throughout iMaim. There
is nary a day in which the two are apart for a great ache comes upon their
hearts if it is so.
One day an idea is had by Erica who sad\id to Absurdo
“though your home in the heart of Palmetto Grove is nice, why don’t you move in
with me to the lofty home where I live.”
At first Absurdo resisted saying “I have spent nigh under
two years in my happy home and would like to spend all of two years here. We
should wait until then so I can prove a point that is only apparent to me.”
“Absurdo, this idea is most absurd and costly at that”
replied Erica
And so Absurdo, seeing the absurdity and Zoeness of his ways,
agreed.
Chapter 9
Once Absurdo moved in with pretty girl things became even
better than one could have imagined.
They venture forth to hear the sounds of videogames burning,
but escape unscathed!
“That was amazing and most reflecting!” exclaimed pretty
girl.
“That was a thing” replied Absurdo unenthusiastically.
They see Some Keys of Black “that was for suck” they both
said. However, shortly thereafter the Jack
of White, who is all that is glorious, made them feel much better!
They heard Trey Paige Mike and Fish sing many songs. “I’m
surprised that was fun” said Erica.
Another time, they are amazed by the beautiful Sebastian. “Wow” they exclaimed “that was quite amazing!”
They go on adventures to faraway lands using the place of
comings and goings. They travel to the
incredible and tropical island of Wonfree where life is wonderful and free. There lived many sea turtles, reefs of coral,
and a mountain of climbable glory. There
was but one mighty obstacle that must be overcame before they were able to
depart, Erica had to give up her evil communication stones of obligation.
“This will be amazing pretty girl, but you must not bring
your communication stones” said Absurdo.
“But I say bashoo to you” she protested.
“And bashoo I say to you” replied he and the matter was settled,
no stones were brought and a mighty good time was had by both.
They went to the burghs of Pitts and Phillips where they
experienced many nice things but despite the niceness of things, Absurdo was
sad because the mighty King Henrik was defeated by the King of La. They even
traveled to Long Island, which is so absurd there is no point to rename it,
where they experienced the fun pretrothement gathering of Princess Rabbit of
Long Island.
On one adventure back to the frozen Burgh of Phillips,
Absurdo, much to his amazement, even survived Christmas fully unharmed!
Chapter 10
Each time they returned from an adventure they came back to
the lofty home where they lived.
Though they were always happy to return, they had become
increasingly annoyed by the true master of the house who lived far far away and
did very unscrupulous things. They knew
one day they must leave and so, in keeping with many of his other ideas, Absurdo
had an absurd idea.
“Pretty girl” he said “wouldn’t it be nice to own our home,
a place for the jummitz beast and moon beast to roam free and the walls and
roof to be ours? A place not owned by the unscrupulous man.”
“Yes” she replied “but that is absurd for we haven’t the
money to buy one.”
As if by magic, his parents hear this and decide to help
them! And so began a most perilous of
tasks, one that would be even more difficult and filled with peril than either
of them could foresee.
Chapter 11
They searched high and low throughout tropical grove in
hopes of finding a modest, but wonderful, dwelling. They looked in the dangerous forests of the
western grove all the way to the far flung edges of the bird grove, but never
did they find anything they could afford.
One day, on a whim, they decided to look at a place in bird
grove that seemed both modest and wonderful.
It was here that they encountered the righteous Lady Penman of Sotheby. She said “the seemingly modest and wonderful
dwelling is modest but is not so wonderful; however, I will aid you with your
quest to find a dwelling that is both.”
“Oh thankyou righteous Lady Penman” they both exclaimed.
They continued to look, and fortunately their quest became
easier now that they had Lady Penman’s help.
Quite some time later, after continuing to look high and low, and near
and far, they stumbled upon a little house that sat upon a bluff made of
silver. The house was exactly what they
were looking for. However, dwelling
within the home were the evil Witches of Grand Lesbia who were most deceitful.
The witches fought and fought with Erica and Absurdo, but at
each treacherous and deceitful turn Lady Penman was there. Our heroes had to go far down dark wells to
face the witches and their minions in the epic Battle of Wells Far during which
the well dwellers and witches were defeated and the day was won by our intrepid
heroes!”
“Yay” cheered Erica and Absurdo “though this battle was fraught
with peril, with the help of Lady Penman the day is won and the home is ours!”
And so they celebrated with wonderful sparkly beverages and myriad
berries.
Chapter 12
Several months went by and it was time for them attend the
wedding of princess Rabbit and Sir Edward the Exceedingly Nice, of whom mention
was made earlier in our story.
Erica and Absurdo journeyed far up north to Long Island and
went to a magical castle by the sea where the wedding was to take place. All of the families and peoples gathered,
coming from iMaim, Proper Island, Long Island, and many other far off
places. Absurdo was made to wear
garments of normal and be a normal part of the ceremony by standing in a normal
manner and acting normal in front of all those who gathered for the celebration.
As Absurdo stood in a normal manner near the bride and groom
he felt content, for Princess Rabbit looked happier than he had ever seen her
and he knew that Sir Edward was her perfect match. He also felt a calm happy feeling wash over
him as he looked out into the crowd and spotted Erica.
After the wedding Absurdo and Erica returned to iMaim. The calm happy feeling stayed with him and
he knew it was time to hatch a most cunning and wonderful plan.
Chapter 13
Upon their return Absurdo concocted a plan that was most
cunning, but it would take some time to put into action. He would write an excellent story that he
would read to Erica and it would end in a most wonderful manner. And so, now, at the end of the story, which
is this story if you haven’t figured that out, comes the cunning part of the
plan. And so Absurdo revealed the true
purpose.
“The true purpose of this story” said Absurdo “is to ask you
to marry me and do absolutely none of the normal things we observed during the
ceremony on Long Island. So, will you
marry me?”
Chapter 14
To be continued…
