And I quote, " Hi beautiful, marry me ! You are awesome. I'll go to the Mall first thing in the morning for the engagement ring! :)"
Whoa there, Friend. You really don't waste any time, do ya? Well, I find your forwardness intriguing. But I'm a bit of a traditional girl, so maybe you'd like to learn some information about me before you jump into what I'm assuming is your black douche-bag mobile to run to Kay Jewelers. For example, my name or the fact that I'm completely dedicated to a life of celibacy or that I chew with my mouth *wide* open or that I bite my toenails every night before dinner or that I don't believe in toothpaste because it is just a dental industry ploy to trick you into thinking your breath should smell good or that I don't clean my hair out of the drain in the shower because I'm collecting it to knit a pair of gloves. Well, I think that sums it up.
My favorite is #3 just for reference. Maybe when you get back from the Mall, we can start on our gift registry at JoAnn Fabrics. I'm gonna need some new knitting needles to start on your honeymoon gloves.
Alright, Peeps, I think we can all just agree to agree that it has been far too long since there has been a post. Sorry, I mean, I wasn't busy or anything, just moving 3000 miles with my drugged up dog. No bigs.
Rather than detail for you the joys of that journey, which could be an entire post all by itself; actually, just the two flights could be a post by themselves, I'm going to tell you about all of the fantastic new information I have obtained over the past 5.5 days. Holy shit. I've been here nearly a week. I still have no idea what I'm doing.
1. "Excuse me, Mama."
I'm sorry. You obviously have me confused with someone else. I have no children that I know of. Oh, that is just how you refer to ALL of the women, well, pardon me. I had no idea that was a thing.
I've been referred to as "Mama" multiple times in multiple contexts by both men and women. In truth, I prefer it to Ma'am, but still, unless I pushed you screaming from my loins, had you cut from my abdomen, or have government-signed papers stating that you belong to me, I'm not your Momma, and I don't really think we're close enough for you to refer to me as such. That comes later...with a special sort of relationship. ;)
2. "That's different. I've never seen that one before."
Zoe, I have a feeling we're not in Portland anymore. I have had nearly every single person I've encountered unapologetically stare at my left arm. I'm not talking a quick glance. I'm talking burning a hole in my arm with their fiery glare. About half of those folks have actually *asked to see it*. Then, about 3/4 of those folks have said (almost word for word every time), "Wow, that's *different*. I've never seen that one before."
Oh, really, Friend? You've never seen this one before? That's funny because I just sauntered into the tattoo parlor closed my eyes, spun around, and pointed to one of the pieces of flash, saying, "Welp, I guess I'll take that one?" Also, "that's different" is a really rude thing to say about anyone regarding any part of their body. For example, "Wow, your hair is really *different*. Or try this one, "Oh, your nose is pretty different." NOT POLITE.
3. "WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages on these premises is prohibited by law."--Target
Whoa!? What in the actual f*ck, Target? Or should I say people of Miami. Drunk people at Target was enough of a problem that it warranted a sign devoted to just that? Really? You do know you aren't Walmart, right? I mean, I know when I get home from a rough day of work, my first thought is, "Dude, let's go grab a sixer and head over to Target. I'd really like to drunk browse through housewares.", but I'm generally able to suppress that urge.
4. "Here, Lizard, Lizard, Lizard..."
There are lizards fucking everywhere. I step outside, and I am *figuratively* balls-deep in lizards, or rather, I would be if I had balls. This is extremely distressing to Zoe, who has no idea why the bugs are so large and fast. It makes our walks...um, interesting. It is like Zoe's very own personal game of hide-and-seek all day, every day.
5. Speaking of Zoe-walks,
Holy sweet mother of Jesus in Heaven on the cross weeping for forgiveness! When I take Zoe on a walk, BOOM!, Ocean!. When we go to the dog park, BLAMO! Mothers!, Ocean. I mean, I knew I was gonna be kinda close to the Bay, but I had no idea it would be so in my face all the time.
6. Additional Zoe walk comment:
So, it turns out that I might be a bit of a minnow in a planet made entirely of water. My house is nice enough (see prior post). It is probably one of the nicer places I've ever lived, in fact. But good goddamn, my neighborhood is obviously rich. Like really rich. Like maybe really, really rich. The houses surrounding my humble abode are clearly multi-million dollar homes, and I've seen Peeps walkin' they dogs in full-on Armani suits. Not hyperbole. Oh hi there, dude who makes more money in a day than I've ever made in a year, don't mind me, just walking my mutt in my Old Navy yoga pants and tank top. No, no, I'm not here to rob your house. I'm your neighbor. I swear. Please don't call the cops!
7. Speaking of first responders,
The third morning that I woke here, it was around 8am (which was still ~5am Erica-time). I hear a very loud BOOM!, BOOM!, BOOM!, then my locked front door opens, but I had the safety-latch flipped. I then hear, "Hello! Is anyone home?! We had a fire alarm go off at this address!" I slap on pants, search for my glasses, and stumble to the door. "What?!" I question barely able to form words yet. "We got a call about a fire alarm going off at 3560. Are you ok?" "I'm sorry, sir. You have the wrong address. This is 3556." They turn and run down my stairs, hopefully looking for 3560, which does not exist on my street. Man, do I feel safe!
8. Peeps be lying because they don't actually understand the words coming out of my mouth.
OK, so I did it. I didn't want to, but honestly, aside from patio furniture boutiques that I couldn't afford, the only place that had ANY patio furniture left was Walmart. So, I bought a set for $140 that was originally marked at $225, which probably cost $30 to make in China. I feel bad about it, but now I have a place to sit, so I don't feel *that* bad. Besides, everything at Target is also made in China, they just have better marketing and slightly better business practices.
Anyway, the point is, I find a set that I want. I find a dude to help me. Dude speaks MINIMAL English. We find a way to communicate via points, kindergarten-level vocab on both sides, and smiles. This was all going great until I realized, I don't have tools to build said patio furniture set. No problem, if I need a screwdriver, I'll just buy one here. It is Walmart, it can't be more than $2.99. I look all over the box. ALL over it. No mention of tools. I ask dude, "Do you know if you need a screwdriver for this?" Quizzical look. "A screwdriver. <hand motions>" "Like tools?! Do you need a tool?" Long pause. "No, just Allen wrench. <points to box>" Quizzical look, me this time. "Oh, ok, everything I need is inside." "Yes, everything inside. <points to box>"
Wrong, Friend, just wrong! Next time, get a helper who speaks my language or just say you don't know!
9. I am going to get homesick...and this time I blame the goddamned Real World.
I made it to day 5 without crying, though, so there is that. I just woke up that day feeling incredibly lonely. I blame the Real World, because I saw that the Portland season was on Hulu, and I thought, "I love Portland so much! It would be fun to watch a little just to see how many spots I can identify." This was a no good, very bad, terrible idea. For many reasons, not the least of which is that those people are horrible.
I actually know a few people here now, and I know that I can call up any of my family or friends at anytime and most of them would drop everything to talk to me and cheer me up, but all this change is still gonna get to me sometimes, and that is ok. I just gotta remember I'm a strong Erica (as Ida would say), and I've survived way, way worse.
10. I am gonna have to fight to continue to make me more me.
Last night the really great dude I met when I came to apartment hunt (You know, the one I felt instantly comfortable with? Good grief, just read the prior post, whydon'tcha?!) mentioned that I have some West Coast verbiage that he is interested to see how it will morph and assimilate into Miamiese. For example, one of the texts I sent to him yesterday simply said, "Rad. Byes for now." For me, this is just how I talk. It might be kinda Portland, or it might just be how I talk, but either way, I don't want to lose it. More importantly, I don't want to lose what I've gained in terms of becoming more me while in Oregon. That seven years came with so much growth and increasing comfort with being who I am, it scares me that some of that might be squashed by this city, or maybe worse, this career.
Before I left OHSU, one of my primary supervisors said some semblance of the following to me, "<positive> You're ready for this (i.e., my new job). You might not think you are, but I know you are. From what I've seen, you're going to do great work. <"constructive"--but also just kinda mean> My one piece of constructive feedback going forward is that you can be very high energy (i.e., what he really means is my personality is HUGE). I know you know that, and I'm not saying it is a bad thing, but at times, I worry that it gets in the way. It borders on being problematic. I'd hate to see it interfere with your success."
Whoa dude, way to find ALL of my insecurities and lay them out on the table in front of me. I can't say that I totally disagree, but at the same time, I'd rather be the quirky professor with the BIG personality than the boring person who hates herself for trying to change who she is any day of the week. That isn't to say that I don't realize that there is a time and place for everything, but personalities are pretty stable across contexts, so while I can "tone it down", it is still gonna be there, so how about telling me something that I can actually work on?
I'm sure there is more that I'm forgetting, and I'm certain there is more to come, but I finally had a moment to pause and ask, "Where the f*ck am I?!", so I figured it was time to share that with you. Ciao for now from the Sunshine State.
