A cordial Chrismukkah to you, my dear friends.
"What is Chrismukkah?", you might ask. This is a very good and exceedingly important question.
Apparently, that teeny-bopper television show "The O.C." was the first to coin the term, but as far as I'm concerned, the only thing that show had going for it was the theme song. Phantom Planet? Hells yes! If Jason Schwartzman was a founding member of your band, then you have something truly great going for you. You didn't know Jason Schwartzman had anything to do with that one hit wonder? Look it up, dude, you're on the Internet for Christ's sake. But, I digress...
Chrismukkah may have first been introduced to the world in 2003 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chrismukkah), but its story was first truly, and most fully, fleshed out a full decade later by myself and D (the Boy). He makes a guest appearance and describes the absolute magic that is Chrismukkah below. We are currently in day three, and let me tell you, it is the most joyous and wonderful holiday that I've ever had the pleasure to celebrate. I was raised Methodist, and D is Jewish, and so, we wanted something that the two of us could celebrate together. Usually, my take on these sorts of things is that two are WAY better than one, so let's just celebrate both, but in this case, Chrismukkah is a real example of the Gestalt principle. Thus therefore, the whole is truly greater than the sum of its parts. We hope that you will also appreciate its true majesty, and perhaps, even join us in celebration. But remember, the first rule of Chrismukkah is THERE ARE NO CHRISMUKKAH SONGS! None. Not any. Ever! And with that (and the help of D), I bring you...the Chrismukkah story.
Chrismukkah Dates, Myths, and Social Customs/Practices (according to E and D)
Dates
Chrismukkah shall always fall on the Monday through Friday that is centered
between the celebrations of Hanukkah and Christmas.
For example, in 2013 it is 12/9-12/13.
Mythology
We all must cast aside Santa Claus's propaganda and subvert his insidious plan for us to sit idly by whilst he enslaves all of elfin kind. Another way must be found!
And behold, from the ethereal cloud emerged a
new way, a bolder way, a primer way. The
Mighty Amazon Prime, it is said, bestows upon the thoughtful subscriber the
ability to avoid supporting the lie that is The Santa Claus. We have achieved our independence, NAY, our RIGHT TO FREEDOM and FREE TWO DAY SHIPPING!! from the tyranny and menace that is The Santa Claus! And so it was that the slave holding, child ogling, Santa Claus was defeated.
Thus it was declared, on this the most randomest of days, that all
shall celebrate the emergence of the Almighty Amazon Prime!
It is also said that the ethereal spirit that is The Prime must
imbue others with its virtue since it exists in the ethereal cloud yet must take physical form on many nights per
year. However, during one season in
particular, The Prime must manifest itself in the figure that is Dreidle Claus.
One must exercise caution when the figure that is Dreidle Claus
roams the Earth. To prevent his form
from being spoilt and misused, it was decreed that he is unseeable to
all. If you didst look upon his visage
your eyes wouldst most certainly fall out. You should not bother with petty questions such as, "What does Dreidle Claus look like?", for
no one knows. We do know that he moves
about in a magic teleporting dreidle that is powered by a brown pigmy goat
named Pete. Yay Pete!
We also shall make clear that he doesn't break into your home;
rather, you invite him in with a customary offering of Chrismukkah cookies left
in a cookie jar built out of Legos. By now, you must have realized he doesn't care if anyone is bad or good, that's up to the benevolence of the gifters. Besides, do you really think you are so important that
he wants to spy on you all year?
We must all surely know Dreidle Claus can’t operate alone, so the
wonderful people at UPS, the USPS, and sadly, at times, FedEx help him out.
Oh, and we can’t forget to mention that unlike Santa Claus, he has
no elfin slaves; instead, he employs sweatshop workers in a variety of foreign
countries... Hey, at least they get paid something?
Social Customs and Practices
As one might imagine, there are NO Chrismukkah songs! Don’t sing of Dreidle Claus and don’t sing
of Pete the pigmy goat! Don’t sing about The Prime! If you do… well, nothing
will happen, but don’t do it! It would be most uncouth… and that shit would get stuck in E's head for days.
To signify the start of the gift giving, we light the largest and
the leftest of the Treenorah candles to shine the beautiful light of gifting
and to celebrate the beacon of hope that is The Prime! As soon as everyone is home the Treenorah is lit, thus igniting the flame of gifting. Each night another of the five candles is lit
to remind us of the gifts we have received earlier in the week.
As a subtle reminder of the sweet glory that is The Prime, we hang blue and white stockings filled with chocolate coins.
Do not forget that it shall be most important to engage in other
family centered activities such as the traditional family viewing of an NBA
basketball game while the family eats Chinese takeout on one of the first four
nights.
The last night of Chrismukkah will always be Friday, and as such
is quite special. On that night the family will go to the movies. There are no gifts given because going to the
movies is entirely too expensive to also be accompanied by gifts.
And now back to E's irregularly scheduled blog…
Well, that basically sums it up. Filled with majesty and pleasantness, no? We hope that you will join us in celebration, fellowship, and of course, the enjoyment of the mighty Prime. Additionally, I hope you've already ordered your Chrismukkah gifts, because it is officially past the deadline for The Prime's free two day shipping to arrive by Thursday.
Oh, and yes, if you are wondering, this *is* what it is like when D and I are together. All. The. Time.
A cordial Chrismukkah to all. And to all, be excellent to each other, for all we are is dust in the wind, Dude.
OR 
??
