I have no idea what I'm doing.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.  I don't.  No idea what I'm doing.  None.  


Here are just a few of the things I'm left wondering about as I prepare (1.5 months left in Portland) to embark on this journey  (WARNING: This particular blog is going to be a little more truthy and a little less funny that future ones, promise):

1. Imposter Syndrome?

OK, I know everyone in academia talks about it.  A few people even admit to it suffering from it. 

Imposter Syndrome (n): the feeling that you surely don't deserve to be at the stage of your career which you are at because you ________ (fill in the blank: aren't smart enough, don't work hard enough, haven't had the same amount of recognition/publications/grants as your peers, all of the above), and it is only a matter of time until everyone finds out and kicks you out of academia for good. 

I've dealt with IS off-and-on for a large part of my graduate work.  I felt like I didn't understand statistics my first year because I was "bad at math", which was some weird lie I fabricated to make myself feel bad.  I'm actually pretty damned good at math (I won every high school math award there was all 4 years).  

I felt like I wasn't working hard enough, when it was time for my first-year project to be due, and it was done but basically garbage, which it wasn't because after a few tweaks, it ended up getting published.

I felt like I sucked at clinical work because in my third year, a supervisor asked me whether I might need to "take a break" from it. At the time, I was struggling to balance dealing with: working 100 miles away from campus, the loss of my father, a failing relationship, teaching, working at a summer treatment program, regular course work and clinical placement, and of course, still conducting research in the lab I was slowly leaving.

I felt like a general imposter when I went to work with a real Psychology Powerhouse, where the demands were infinitely greater than I'd ever experienced in graduate school, and I struggled to prove I could do it, while learning to talk faster than I could think. Again, while living 100 miles away.

I felt like a procrastinator when I proposed my dissertation the fall before I was hoping to go on Internship.  Even though, I totally worked my tail off and submitted/defended it in time to go on Internship.

And of course, I felt like a total failure when I finally went on Internship, and everyone was watching me and providing me with constructive feedback constantly, even though that is a documented "strength of the program".

I can reflect back on all of those times, and cognitively I can justify why they were silly, but in that moment, I was convinced that I was a fraud.  This time it is HUGE.  I really feel like I don't deserve this.  I compare myself to others at this stage of the game.  I tell myself I wouldn't have this job if it weren't for Psychology Powerhouse.  I have no idea how to be a professor, run a lab, get a grant, be an advisor/have a graduate student.  I mean, geez, aren't I still a graduate student?

I've wanted this since my sophomore year of college, but now that it is here, I'm truly terrified.  I just keep telling myself, "Do not F this up, Erica".


2. Miami: The Whole Shebang: I've been there 2 (or was it 3) times.

I know literally nothing about Miami.  Even after doing a little bit of research about it (I'm a planner), I have no idea what to expect.  As far as I'm concerned I might as well be moving to Mars, because it is probably more similar to Portland.  I have been there as a child, as a young adult, and when I went to interview.  Of course, during my interview, I mostly saw the inside of peoples offices and the backs of my eyelids because I was exhausted.  I feel like I could not have picked a more different place to live when compared to Portland if that had been my goal.


3. Friends? What Friends?

I know exactly 2 people in Miami.  Two, as in, more than one, but fewer than three: Two.  Now, I know what you're thinking, "But Erica, you didn't know anyone in Rochester when you moved there or Eugene when you moved there."  True story. I can't deny you that truth. However, need I remind you that when I moved to Rochester, I was 18 and living on a college campus--basically everyone was my new friend, and when I moved to Eugene, I was instantly connected to 10 other people who were going through the exact same transition.  This time it is going to be pretty different.  I have no single binding phenomenon to share with other folks.


4. Where are We Living Now?

It is mid-June.  I'll be arriving in Miami on August 1.  I have no place to live, yet.  I don't know what part of town I'll be living in.  I don't know whether I'll be getting a new car or shipping the one I currently have.  For someone like me who tries so very hard to predict the future, this is crazy, nightmarishly hard.


I'm sure there are things that I'm forgetting, like the fact that I have never had even the slightest desire to live in Miami, I don't really like heat/humidity or really big, crime-filled cities, but that covers the bulk of my unknowns.

For real, can you tell me, WHAT AM I DOING?