How Not to Not Pay Up a Woman: Rule #1: The Pretty Woman or murdered prostitute rule.

OR ??

And I quote, "Hello Erica, good morning. Well I would like to give you a well deserved compliment. In taking a look at your pictures posted on profile, I must say that you are a very attractive, sexy, beautiful young woman indeed. Let me now introduce myself. My name is Steven. I am a 36 year old gentleman from Miami Beach, Florida looking to meet and spoil an attractive, mature young woman in what will be a very private, safe, discreet 1 on 1 type of friendship/meeting arrangement without any childish mentality games/drama or problems involved. In this meeting arrangement, I would be able to spoil you and help you out financially with no less than $1,000-2,000 thousand dollars in cash beginning one day later on this week. . Now I understand how this is the internet so you might have some initial questions/concerns, but please keep in mind this offer is 100% real and legit, absolutely no type of joke or online spam, so if you are currently stuck in a tight, stressful financial situation where you need to make extra money $$$$ for various bills/expenses beginning right away, then please feel free to email me back for more additional information on this financial offer once you receive this message.. Steve"

This is obviously a joke, right? Which one of you thought this would be hilarious?  Frazier?  Nick? Ted? Steve? Someone? Anyone? Bueller?...Bueller?!?

So, my biggest question, is how is it decided whether I fall in the $1K or the $2K range?  I mean, that is a lot of wiggle room. I think I'd need to know that before I committed. Also, I'm a little skeptical about the getting paid "one day later on this week."  I mean, when a girl like me decides to sell her body to a stranger for money, she decides to get payment on the same day as the services rendered. 

Besides, as he points out, I do have "various bills/expenses beginning right away", so I'd really need that money "beginning right away".

What in the actual fuck?!

The Prime is the reason for the season! Don’t take The Prime out of Chrismukkah.

A cordial Chrismukkah to you, my dear friends.


"What is Chrismukkah?", you might ask.  This is a very good and exceedingly important question. 
Apparently, that teeny-bopper television show "The O.C." was the first to coin the term, but as far as I'm concerned, the only thing that show had going for it was the theme song. Phantom Planet?  Hells yes!  If Jason Schwartzman was a founding member of your band, then you have something truly great going for you. You didn't know Jason Schwartzman had anything to do with that one hit wonder? Look it up, dude, you're on the Internet for Christ's sake.  But, I digress...

Chrismukkah may have first been introduced to the world in 2003 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chrismukkah), but its story was first truly, and most fully, fleshed out a full decade later by myself and D (the Boy).  He makes a guest appearance and describes the absolute magic that is Chrismukkah below.  We are currently in day three, and let me tell you, it is the most joyous and wonderful holiday that I've ever had the pleasure to celebrate.  I was raised Methodist, and D is Jewish, and so, we wanted something that the two of us could celebrate together. Usually, my take on these sorts of things is that two are WAY better than one, so let's just celebrate both, but in this case, Chrismukkah is a real example of the Gestalt principle.  Thus therefore, the whole is truly greater than the sum of its parts. We hope that you will also appreciate its true majesty, and perhaps, even join us in celebration.  But remember, the first rule of Chrismukkah is THERE ARE NO CHRISMUKKAH SONGS!  None. Not any. Ever! And with that (and the help of D), I bring you...the Chrismukkah story.

Chrismukkah Dates, Myths, and Social Customs/Practices (according to E and D)

Dates

Chrismukkah shall always fall on the Monday through Friday that is centered between the celebrations of Hanukkah and Christmas.

For example, in 2013 it is 12/9-12/13.

Mythology

We all must cast aside Santa Claus's propaganda and subvert his insidious plan for us to sit idly by whilst he enslaves all of elfin kind.  Another way must be found! 

And behold, from the ethereal cloud emerged a new way, a bolder way, a primer way.  The Mighty Amazon Prime, it is said, bestows upon the thoughtful subscriber the ability to avoid supporting the lie that is The Santa Claus.  We have achieved our independence, NAY, our RIGHT TO FREEDOM and FREE TWO DAY SHIPPING!! from the tyranny and menace that is The Santa Claus!  And so it was that the slave holding, child ogling, Santa Claus was defeated.  

Thus it was declared, on this the most randomest of days, that all shall celebrate the emergence of the Almighty Amazon Prime! 

It is also said that the ethereal spirit that is The Prime must imbue others with its virtue since it exists in the ethereal cloud yet must take physical form on many nights per year.  However, during one season in particular, The Prime must manifest itself in the figure that is Dreidle Claus.

One must exercise caution when the figure that is Dreidle Claus roams the Earth.  To prevent his form from being spoilt and misused, it was decreed that he is unseeable to all.  If you didst look upon his visage your eyes wouldst most certainly fall out.  You should not bother with petty questions such as, "What does Dreidle Claus look like?", for no one knows.  We do know that he moves about in a magic teleporting dreidle that is powered by a brown pigmy goat named Pete. Yay Pete!

We also shall make clear that he doesn't break into your home; rather, you invite him in with a customary offering of Chrismukkah cookies left in a cookie jar built out of Legos.  By now, you must have realized he doesn't care if anyone is  bad or good, that's up to the benevolence of the gifters.  Besides, do you really think you are so important that he wants to spy on you all year?

We must all surely know Dreidle Claus can’t operate alone, so the wonderful people at UPS, the USPS, and sadly, at times, FedEx help him out. 

Oh, and we can’t forget to mention that unlike Santa Claus, he has no elfin slaves; instead, he employs sweatshop workers in a variety of foreign countries... Hey, at least they get paid something?

Social Customs and Practices

As one might imagine, there are NO Chrismukkah songs!  Don’t sing of Dreidle Claus and don’t sing of Pete the pigmy goat! Don’t sing about The Prime! If you do… well, nothing will happen, but don’t do it!  It would be most uncouth… and that shit would get stuck in E's head for days.

To signify the start of the gift giving, we light the largest and the leftest of the Treenorah candles to shine the beautiful light of gifting and to celebrate the beacon of hope that is The Prime!  As soon as everyone is home the Treenorah is lit, thus igniting the flame of gifting.  Each night another of the five candles is lit to remind us of the gifts we have received earlier in the week.

As a subtle reminder of the sweet glory that is The Prime, we hang blue and white stockings filled with chocolate coins. 

Do not forget that it shall be most important to engage in other family centered activities such as the traditional family viewing of an NBA basketball game while the family eats Chinese takeout on one of the first four nights.

The last night of Chrismukkah will always be Friday, and as such is quite special.  On that night the family will go to the movies.  There are no gifts given because going to the movies is entirely too expensive to also be accompanied by gifts. 

And now back to E's irregularly scheduled blog…

Well, that basically sums it up. Filled with majesty and pleasantness, no? We hope that you will join us in celebration, fellowship, and of course, the enjoyment of the mighty Prime. Additionally, I hope you've already ordered your Chrismukkah gifts, because it is officially past the deadline for The Prime's free two day shipping to arrive by Thursday.

Oh, and yes, if you are wondering, this *is* what it is like when D and I are together. All. The. Time.

A cordial Chrismukkah to all. And to all, be excellent to each other, for all we are is dust in the wind, Dude.

T-gives Plans? The thing I've wanted to do for a long, long while, but I've never had the grit.

This post isn't funny.  This post is for reals.

I just saw this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/22/the-passage-cardboard-signs_n_4319568.html

I think this is absolutely amazing.  I really love the idea, and I think it is a real attention grabber.  

This Thanksgiving I have no real plans.  I didn't have the funds to go home.  I don't have any close friends who are sticking around Miami and hosting a meal. It will probably be just me and Zoe Buttons hanging around the house and possibly pretending to do work.  Also, I despise everything about Black Friday, and I've already completed my holiday shopping. Since that is the case, I think I can find a better way to spend my time than having my own personal Dexter marathon--now that it streams on Netties.

The question is, do I do this, then give the money to Oxfam (https://www.oxfamamericaunwrapped.com/), which is one of my favorite charities with a decent rating (http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=search.summary&orgid=4288#.UpNgNuKn-Hg).  OR do I find some other way to be useful this Thanksgiving?  For example, I could volunteer at a kitchen or shelter of some kind, though I've heard that those kinds of places generally get overrun on T-gives, and I might be too late to sign up.

I could easily make a sign that says, "I have a home.  I have a job.  I'm raising money for someone who doesn't.", then provide the Oxfam website.  I bet if I did this and stood near Fresh Market's entrance or near Coco Walk on Black Friday that I'd raise a decent amount of money.  Whatdoyathink?  Terrible plan?  Mediocre plan?  Get real, Erica, this might work in Portland, but you're not in Portland anymore...

Woe is me!!!

Well, I hate to say "I told you so", but goddamnit, I did.  I knew that too many good things were happening (see last post), and now I am very much making up for it.  Making up for it with the worst case of The Sicks I've ever had, and if you know me well, you know I'm constantly sick so this is really saying something.

I have pneumonia.  Not like big, bad, put-you-in-the-hospital pneumonia, but still, pneumonia--a lung infection by any other name wouldn't make me cough as much.

It all started about a week ago.  Friday, my stomach didn't feel quite right, but it wasn't terrible or anything.  D-boy was going to his friend's house to watch basketball, and I decided I was tired as a million counting sheep, so I was going to stay in.  Friends stopped by on their way to respective outings--D to basketball, M, her sister, and J to some cultural music thing I didn't really want to go to.  I did the good host thing and served them wine  (while in my PJs) and gave sister and J a house tour.  They left after about an hour, I then promptly fell asleep on my couch at 9pm.  

Saturday, D and I literally stayed in bed all day.  ALL DAY. No this isn't a "new couple sex thing", we were just kinda bored and decided to read in bed and watch TV on the Internet in bed and eat crackers in bed and do pretty much everything in bed.  It was glorious...  Until I decided I wanted soup for dinner.  D suggested that Whole Foods has about a billion soups ready-to-eat, so we jumped in the car and left.  Just getting out of bed was hard, but I assumed that my muscles were now accustomed to being horizontal, and so putting up a protest to resume their new preferred position.  However, when we got to WF, my stomach started to bloat and cramp, like a lot, like I was doubled over in pain and unable to finish my corn and sweet potato bisque.  D drove my car home so I could be horizontal again.  Then when we got back to my place, I went immediately to bed and didn't leave for the rest of the evening, including abandoning D, as he went to a party at M's, while I fell asleep again at about 8:30pm.

The real kicker was Sunday, Sunday I woke up with a cough.  Not just any cough, but a deep, nasty, thick, grumbly, crunchy cough.  I thought, "hmmm, this explains everything, clearly I have some mild flu."  We were scheduled to go to brunch with M and her sister, so we did, but I was a massive case of grump-a-lumps the entire time.  I ate, but couldn't taste much.  I said bad and judgey-wudgey things about the people around us (even more than is typical for me).  Then, D and I went to a sports store to look for a bike rack, and it hit me.  "I can barely even stand up", I thought.  "This doesn't seem correct.", I added.  So, we went back to my house, and again, I became a horizontal lump under the blankets.  

That night, we decided to sleep at D's, so we did. At one point, I was begging him to turn off the AC, while in a hoodie under a comforter...  It was not even a little cold in his house.  He guessed it was about 76 or 78 degrees. The next morning we woke up to take his cat to a regularly scheduled vet appointment.  The cat was making horrid sounds in the car the whole time, something like Mew-RWAR?!.  The funny thing was, my coughing was drowning out the sad/murderous cat noise.  Fortunately, there is a Walgreen's right down the shopping plaza from the vet, so I got The 'Tussin.  This was a HUGE help.  Now I was only coughing every 3 minutes, rather than every 30 seconds.  I was still unEarthly tired, though.

Tuesday, I knew I couldn't go to school the way I was.  Students had an exam, so I contacted the TAs and told them to take one for the team and lead it on their own.  They did so graciously.  I slept.  Like ALL day.  Sleep. Nonstop.

Wednesday, I had a 10am appointment, so I got up, got ready, went in, could barely take the stairs, sat at my desk until the appointment arrived--staring at my lappy--just staring, met with my appointment, and left immediately.  I drove home, then slept the rest of the day.

Thursday, I went to class, taught, then had a repeat of Wednesday.

Friday, I didn't even bother pretending to do work or to go to campus. I just slept.  That is, until my sister called at 2:30pm and lectured me until I decided to get my sweaty ass up off the couch and go to Urgent Care.  The doctor took one look at me (well, ok, and a listen), and he ordered a chest X-ray.  I protested.  I asked, "What will that tell us?" He said, "It will tell us how bad it is." Me, "What do you mean?" Him, "If it is pneumonia or just almost pneumonia." Me, "Will you treat it any differently if it is pneumonia or just almost pneumonia?" Him, "Um, no." Me, "Then just give me the antibiotics, and I'll promise to rest."  Jesus!!!  Dude wanted to charge me $90 just to tell me if I had ACTUAL pneumonia or just probable pneumonia...  Oh no you don't, Sir.  I may be sick, but I'm no fool, and besides, I'm my father's daughter--i.e., cheap about shit like that!

Since then, I've been taking my MEGA-antibiotic.  Seriously, it is as big as the first two sections of my pinky finger.  MASSIVE.  I've also been taking a Rxed cocktail of 'Tussin, 'Phendrin, and Benadryl.  Think of the special brand of meth you could make with that shit!  Plus, it is cotton candy flavored! So, that's probably good for my liver.  I've also been drinking OJ like it is my job and struggling to stay awake for more than four hours at a go.

I'm feeling a bit better, but I still feel like the bottom of a trash bin about 6 days overdue for a dump out.

I guess the moral of this story, aside from being a way for me to get out a big ol' Internet-based WOE IS ME! is to say, "Do not tempt fate!"  The next time something is going well for you, listen to nonreason and *don't talk about it*.  Old timey diseases that no one actually gets as a healthy adult in a first-world country are waiting right around the corner to take you down.   

I suppose the scientific, reason-based moral would be don't move somewhere tropical from somewhere with an oceanic/marine coastal climate and expect for your immune system to be like, "Oh hello there, Beautiful Weather, well aren't you just lovely."  More over, this is one of the largest immigrant populations in the country, Erica, you idiot, so there are about a billion new bugs here to introduce themselves to your immune system.  And for whatever reason all those bugs want to hug you or fail to move out of your way at the market when you say very clearly and loudly, "Excuse me!" so you have to brush up against them as you walk by.

I know that just by writing this something truly terrible is going to happen, but it needs to be put out there.

Well hello!

I keep promising to write, I know, but life has been busy here in the Deepest of Souths.  You all could write me, too, ya know?!

Usually, here at HTSTSA, we either discuss the whacky things that happen to me in my new home, or we discuss the very important issue of online dating via the HNTPUAW series.

Unfortunately, I have been receiving very few OKC messages of late.  This is not unfortunate in the dating sense, since I'm now the girlfriend of that boy that I told you all about before.  You know, the instant connection one?  Remember?  Do you guys even actually read this thing? Anyway, I miss the messages more from a comedic stand-point.  They really allowed me to express my views in a way that I enjoyed, and I miss sharing those with you.  Hopefully, I'm not sending out the taken vibe via the Intertoobs, but I'm also just not really active on the site much these days, so that has probably got something to do with it.  Or maybe the Miami boys just realized that they are mostly hilarious to me, and so, stopped writing as not to be used for comedy and my own entertainment.  Anyway, this is not why I post today...

Today, I post about something I usually don't like to talk about.  My whole family is a bit superstitious, but especially about this, in particular.  The topic is GOOD SHIT THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME LATELY.  The notion in my family is that if you talk about the good shit that has been happening to you, then it will either a) stop happening or b) bad shit will start happening to make up for it.  I take it a bit further and to some small extent feel that whenever a bunch of good stuff happens, then surely right around the bend is a shit-ton of bad stuff just waiting to jump out at me during one of my midnight trips to the bathroom, causing me to fall and smack my face on the side of the toilet or step on a "palmetto bug" that I couldn't see in the dark or eat what I thought was cottage cheese, but in reality was yogurt that had gone really bad.  You know, bad luck times follow good luck times because as J. Seinfeld (c. 1998) once implied, "Everything evens out."

So, with all of this in mind, while knowing full well that I am 100% jinxing myself, and basically, inviting a shitstorm to hover over my home, I give you, the list of good shit that has been happening to me lately:

 1. I have a job, and I LOVE it.  
Part A: Really, really, truly, I love this job.  Grant you, I've only been here for 2 months, but damn, every morning I swear that I wake up and immediately think, "I have a job, in my field, that I love!"  I get to do lots of the things that I want to do with very little supervision, which can be scary, but mostly, it is awesome.  I get to teach, which I actually enjoy.  I get to mentor, which I mostly enjoy, oddly this is harder than just teaching.  I get to write and read and propose research.  And best of all, I have ZERO clinical duties. NONE! ZIP!  This is such a refreshing change from internship, where I felt that all of the joy that I associate with psychology and my work had been squashed.  Reminder: I'm a scientist.  I'm not a clinician.  

Part B: Financially, this is also really working out for me.  Grant you, I'm not making the BIG bucks.  I never will.  But by side-stepping the whole post-doc thing, which I still don't completely understand how I actually did that, I have an actual income.  It cost me an awful lot of ca$h to move to Miami, but honestly, my post-doc options were likely going to be either Toronto or Columbia.  It would have cost just as much to move (probably more--no reimbursement of funds there), and those cities are crazy expensive to live in besides.  Also, note, I am more than $100K in student loan debt, and I have more credit card debt than I'd like, but now I have a legit means of paying it off...slowly.  This brings me to my next point...

2. I've basically finished my Loan Repayment Program application.  I would love to submit this, if only the government would go back to work.  For those of you who don't know, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) have a Loan Repayment Program for promising scientists in order to encourage more bright and talented individuals to complete doctorates in the sciences, which can be an expensive undertaking, rather than going into industry.  If you aren't in the sciences, you might not be fully aware of this, but with many of them, YOU WILL NEVER MAKE ANY MONEY EVER, but you will go to school for AT LEAST 8 years...or in my case, 10.  So, unlike medical doctors or dentists or lawyers or business folk, you will go to school for a very long time, but you will never make any real ca$h.  The government NEEDS scientists, so they will pay back up to $35K per year for 2-3 years.  This program is basically made for someone like me who came from a working-class background and went to school forever.  I am pretty proud of my application, so keep those fingers crossed for the government going back to work and funding my application.  Speaking of applications...

3. I've also developed what I think is a pretty stellar idea for a K-award application.  Again, if you don't know what this is, it is a training grant through NIH that allows you to get extra training in an area of research that you'd like to further develop AND conduct research in that area.  Mine will be to study both behavioral and biological emotion dysregulation as an antecedent and consequence of cannabis use in adolescents.  I'll get to use all the same methods I've used in the past with kids with ADHD, but this time with teens (who I've never worked with before) and in the context of substance abuse (which I know a lot about personally, but not professionally).  I'll feel like I'm really making a difference if I get to do this work.  That feels really great, and I'm starting to put together a pretty amazing team of mentors, so again, fingers crossed that the government goes back to work and funds my application for this project, which I'll plan to submit as early as February or as late as June.

4. The paper from Hell is nearly finished and will be resubmitted before November 5th.  Remember that post from before where I was filled with self-doubt because I screwed up the Goddamned analyses for a paper and had to contact the editor of the journal to say that the results were NOT actually the results, and it made me feel like a Goddamned idiot?  I wish I could be so forgetful.  Anyway, I figured out the problem, I found a way to fix it, I reran everything, and the effects still held--Halle-frickin-lujah.  I'm just now polishing it up and putting a bow on it, but once that shit is off my plate, I'll be able to focus on projects that I actually give a fuck about.

5. Teaching is even better than I remembered.  I've always loved teaching.  I'd been a TA since 2000, when I started TAing as an undergraduate for Introduction to Biology at UofR.  I did that for 3 years, then TAed all through graduate school at UO, and taught Adult Psychopathology every summer during grad school until Internship.  I'd forgotten how much I love it.  I really do.  And I surveyed my students this week.  While I feel teaching evals are often a poor reflection of how a class is really going, the reviewers were overwhelmingly positive, and it made me feel good about myself.  

YOU--But Erica, don't you do anything besides work?

ME--Well, not really, but here are some good things that aren't work-related.

6. I finally went to da beach!  It was wonderful.  I was scared of going into the water barefoot, because every other beach I've ever been to has been rocky or shell filled.  This was pure sand!  So, it was soft and smooth on my tootsies.  I was also not a fan of being struck in the face by waves, but I was mostly able to avoid that.  Finally, I was not a fan of Boy laughing at me as I got in the water and screamed about how cold it was.  Note: Later that day, we found out that the water was actually a chilly 84 degrees...  I'm an asshole.  Anyway, speaking of Boy...

7.  Boy and I are officially official, and I like him a lot.  I really don't want to say too much about this one because I am worried that there will be jinxing and this is the thing I most do not wish to jinx, but I will say this:  I like him...a lot.  I will also say this: Many of you know that some of my past relationships have been not-so-healthy.  I blame no one.  This was as much my fault as the others', but this one feels Healthy.  I'm just so comfortable around him, and there doesn't feel like some big pressure to have anything be any particular way or for either of us to do any particular thing.  I really love it.  Holy shit, maybe I'm an adult?

8. The Reflektors (i.e., Arcade Fire) are my favorite.  If you know me at all, you know this.  They are playing two shows in Miami next week, and I got tickets to BOTH of them.  They are tiny venues, and this is their first ever show in Florida.  They will likely play only songs from their new album, but I couldn't be happier.

9. I love my house, I love my neighborhood, I like Miami.

YOU--Erica, but surely EVERYTHING isn't coming up roses?

ME--Of course not, I was forced to leave the Rose City, but things are going much better than could have possibly been anticipated, and I'm happy.  Truly happy.

Dear Gods of Happiness, Please don't smite me?

How Not to Pick Up a Woman: Rule #8: The state the obvious rule.

 
And I quote, "Morning" 

Whoa!  Dude, you just blew my mind!  Is it though?  I couldn't tell by the fact that I'd just woken up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, showered, walked my dog, made breakfast, and left for work.  I was so confused thanks for the clarification.

Apparently my profile wasn't interesting enough to warrant a "Good".

It's been along time...I shouldn't have left you...without a blog post to step to...

Well, well, well, it has been a long time indeed.  I've been crazy, unbelievably busy, but I thought I'd take a few minutes to recap where I've been over the past 6 weeks.

1. My students--
 # of emails I get on the daily telling me that a student missed my class and asking whether they "missed anything": 2-3
# of emails I get on the daily asking me whether I can send the student my slides (they are on Bb): 2-3
# of emails I get on the daily telling me that a student is going to be out of town on date of exam X, and can he or she take the test early, despite my extremely clear no make-up exams policy: 3-4
# of students who come up to me after every class with questions that would have been REALLY good questions to ask during class so everyone else could hear them: 10
# of times I've been asked whether something I've talked about in class will be on the exam: 10,000
# of ulcers all of this is going to give me: TBA

2. My research--
Slow and steady wins the, oh FUCK no, it doesn't.  Slow and steady gives Erica an aneurysm.  Can't start data collection, don't have space or equipment.  Can't train RAs on data cleaning, don't have computers for them to use.  Can't apply for certain grants, don't have pilot data.  Can't get pilot data, can't start data collection. FML. 

Seriously, though, I knew there would be delays, but this is killing me a little inside.  I've been told not to let the lack of pilot data slow me down, and to just use JT's data as pilot data, but  at the same time, I'm no fool. I know that I also need to establish myself as an independent scientist and show that I can recruit participants here.  And besides that, I was *nearly* scooped on my most brilliant idea yet.  The "scooping" is in someways a blessing and a curse.  It means that this method has already been used in a population similar to mine, so I can cite them and get less heat about "but what if it doesn't work", and besides, my method actually improves on theirs in a number of ways and addresses a whole bunch of limits to their design, but now, I probably shouldn't apply for an R21 because I don't think I can convince NIMH that my study is *that* innovative...SIGH, FINE! I'll make due with what I've got, but man, frustrating!  On the brighter side of things, I'm also talking with some folks here about possible collaborations and projects, so that's rad.

3. My home--
# of actual critters I've found living inside my house: 3 (2 lizards and now a toad).  
# of "palmetto bugs" I've found inside my house: 2
# of times I've been to Target to get something because I didn't bring it along in the move: at least 2 billion

4. My neighborhood--
I was meeting with my boss last week, and he asked the normal oh-you-just-moved-here questions.  He gets to what part of town I'm living in.  I tell him my exact address. His jaw hits the flippin' floor.  He squeaks out, "I know how much you get paid, how can you afford to live there?" He follows that up with, "Isn't that where LeBron lives?!"  Turns out he is not wrong.  I live in the same neighborhood as LeBron James (AKA King James).  Apparently, Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell and a few other peeps have big-ass mansions in my neighborhood, too.  Either my landlord is an idiot or my house is actually so filled with asbestos that they'd have to tear it down if they remodeled because I should be paying about 2 times what I am in rent.  Lucky me!

5. My OKC account--
Has been dead.  Like silent.  I'm not complaining, I've been hanging with a pretty rad dude, and I'm not looking for additional dudes at this time. But I do miss the comedy.  Maybe I'm getting fewer messages because I'm not signing in very often now?  Maybe I'm getting fewer messages because I haven't updated anything in a while, so I'm not falling in anyone's feed?  Maybe all the dudes in Miami who could have possibly had any interest in a lady with a PhD have already messaged me and now the pool is officially empty?  Anyway, again, not really upset about the lack of meeting peeps, but it is seriously affecting the HNTPUAW series in big way, so something's gotta change quick-like.

6. My friends--
Like I said, I've been hanging with new dude, and I've met some of his friends, and they are truly lovely.  I'm lucky...again.  Note: something terrible is obviously on its way, given the number of good things that have been going on recently.  They've been very welcoming, even though, I don't want to hug any of them. Ever. 

That said, I miss *my* friends.  I miss my Ida and my Daney and my Paul & Michael and my Cara & Krista and my Lab Ladies and my Fellow Interns and my Eugene friends and my Portland friends and my Rochester and PA friends.  In some ways, it is starting to feel like all of those years spent in all of those places are a mixed blur from a dream.  I keep saying "Rochester" when I mean "Portland".  I keep forgetting who I did certain things with and where.  

It is starting to hit me that Miami is my new reality.  

I don't dislike it nearly as much as I thought I would, but I'm still not convinced that I actually like it.  More to come as I figure that part out.  <3 

How Not to Pick Up a Woman: Rule #4: The I love you, I love you, I love you, What's your name? Rule

And I quote, " Hi beautiful, marry me ! You are awesome. I'll go to the Mall first thing in the morning for the engagement ring! :)"

Whoa there, Friend. You really don't waste any time, do ya?  Well, I find your forwardness intriguing. But I'm a bit of a traditional girl, so maybe you'd like to learn some information about me before you jump into what I'm assuming is your black douche-bag mobile to run to Kay Jewelers. For example, my name or the fact that I'm completely dedicated to a life of celibacy or that I chew with my mouth *wide* open  or that I bite my toenails every night before dinner or that I don't believe in toothpaste because it is just a dental industry ploy to trick you into thinking your breath should smell good or that I don't clean my hair out of the drain in the shower because I'm collecting it to knit a pair of gloves.  Well, I think that sums it up.  

My favorite is #3 just for reference.  Maybe when you get back from the Mall, we can start on our gift registry at JoAnn Fabrics.  I'm gonna need some new knitting needles to start on your honeymoon gloves.

Where am I?!

Alright, Peeps, I think we can all just agree to agree that it has been far too long since there has been a post.  Sorry, I mean, I wasn't busy or anything, just moving 3000 miles with my drugged up dog.  No bigs.

Rather than detail for you the joys of that journey, which could be an entire post all by itself; actually, just the two flights could be a post by themselves, I'm going to tell you about all of the fantastic new information I have obtained over the past 5.5 days.  Holy shit.  I've been here nearly a week.  I still have no idea what I'm doing.

1. "Excuse me, Mama."
I'm sorry. You obviously have me confused with someone else.  I have no children that I know of.  Oh, that is just how you refer to ALL of the women, well, pardon me. I had no idea that was a thing.  
I've been referred to as "Mama" multiple times in multiple contexts by both men and women.  In truth, I prefer it to Ma'am, but still, unless I pushed you screaming from my loins, had you cut from my abdomen, or have government-signed papers stating that you belong to me, I'm not your Momma, and I don't really think we're close enough for you to refer to me as such.  That comes later...with a special sort of relationship.  ;)

2. "That's different.  I've never seen that one before."
Zoe, I have a feeling we're not in Portland anymore.  I have had nearly every single person I've encountered unapologetically stare at my left arm.  I'm not talking a quick glance.  I'm talking burning a hole in my arm with their fiery glare.  About half of those folks have actually *asked to see it*.  Then, about 3/4 of those folks have said (almost word for word every time), "Wow, that's *different*.  I've never seen that one before."
Oh, really, Friend?  You've never seen this one before?  That's funny because I just sauntered into the tattoo parlor closed my eyes, spun around, and pointed to one of the pieces of flash, saying, "Welp, I guess I'll take that one?"  Also, "that's different" is a really rude thing to say about anyone regarding any part of their body.  For example, "Wow, your hair is really *different*.  Or try this one, "Oh, your nose is pretty different."  NOT POLITE.

3.  "WARNING: The consumption of alcoholic beverages on these premises is prohibited by law."--Target
Whoa!?  What in the actual f*ck, Target?  Or should I say people of Miami.  Drunk people at Target was enough of a problem that it warranted a sign devoted to just that?  Really? You do know you aren't Walmart, right? I mean, I know when I get home from a rough day of work, my first thought is, "Dude, let's go grab a sixer and head over to Target.  I'd really like to drunk browse through housewares.", but I'm generally able to suppress that urge.

4. "Here, Lizard, Lizard, Lizard..."
There are lizards fucking everywhere.  I step outside, and I am *figuratively* balls-deep in lizards, or rather, I would be if I had balls.  This is extremely distressing to Zoe, who has no idea why the bugs are so large and fast.  It makes our walks...um, interesting.  It is like Zoe's very own personal game of hide-and-seek all day, every day.

5. Speaking of Zoe-walks,
Holy sweet mother of Jesus in Heaven on the cross weeping for forgiveness!  When I take Zoe on a walk, BOOM!, Ocean!.  When we go to the dog park, BLAMO! Mothers!, Ocean.  I mean, I knew I was gonna be kinda close to the Bay, but I had no idea it would be so in my face all the time.

6. Additional Zoe walk comment:
So, it turns out that I might be a bit of a minnow in a planet made entirely of water.  My house is nice enough (see prior post).  It is probably one of the nicer places I've ever lived, in fact.  But good goddamn, my neighborhood is obviously rich.  Like really rich.  Like maybe really, really rich.  The houses surrounding my humble abode are clearly multi-million dollar homes, and I've seen Peeps walkin' they dogs in full-on Armani suits.  Not hyperbole. Oh hi there, dude who makes more money in a day than I've ever made in a year, don't mind me, just walking my mutt in my Old Navy yoga pants and tank top.  No, no, I'm not here to rob your house.  I'm your neighbor.  I swear.  Please don't call the cops!

7. Speaking of first responders,
The third morning that I woke here, it was around 8am (which was still ~5am Erica-time).  I hear a very loud BOOM!, BOOM!, BOOM!, then my locked front door opens, but I had the safety-latch flipped.  I then hear, "Hello!  Is anyone home?!  We had a fire alarm go off at this address!"  I slap on pants, search for my glasses, and stumble to the door.  "What?!" I question barely able to form words yet.  "We got a call about a fire alarm going off at 3560.  Are you ok?"  "I'm sorry, sir.  You have the wrong address.  This is 3556."  They turn and run down my stairs, hopefully looking for 3560, which does not exist on my street.  Man, do I feel safe!

 8. Peeps be lying because they don't actually understand the words coming out of my mouth.
OK, so I did it.  I didn't want to, but honestly, aside from patio furniture boutiques that I couldn't afford, the only place that had ANY patio furniture left was Walmart.  So, I bought a set for $140 that was originally marked at $225, which probably cost $30 to make in China.  I feel bad about it, but now I have a place to sit, so I don't feel *that* bad.  Besides, everything at Target is also made in China, they just have better marketing and slightly better business practices.
Anyway, the point is, I find a set that I want.  I find a dude to help me.  Dude speaks MINIMAL English.  We find a way to communicate via points, kindergarten-level vocab on both sides, and smiles.  This was all going great until I realized, I don't have tools to build said patio furniture set.  No problem, if I need a screwdriver, I'll just buy one here.  It is Walmart, it can't be more than $2.99.  I look all over the box.  ALL over it.  No mention of tools.  I ask dude, "Do you know if you need a screwdriver for this?" Quizzical look. "A screwdriver. <hand motions>"  "Like tools?! Do you need a tool?" Long pause.  "No, just Allen wrench. <points to box>" Quizzical look, me this time. "Oh, ok, everything I need is inside." "Yes, everything inside. <points to box>"
Wrong, Friend, just wrong!  Next time, get a helper who speaks my language or just say you don't know! 

9. I am going to get homesick...and this time I blame the goddamned Real World.
I made it to day 5 without crying, though, so there is that.   I just woke up that day feeling incredibly lonely. I blame the Real World, because I saw that the Portland season was on Hulu, and I thought, "I love Portland so much!  It would be fun to watch a little just to see how many spots I can identify." This was a no good, very bad, terrible idea.  For many reasons, not the least of which is that those people are horrible. 
I actually know a few people here now, and I know that I can call up any of my family or friends at anytime and most of them would drop everything to talk to me and cheer me up, but all this change is still gonna get to me sometimes, and that is ok.  I just gotta remember I'm a strong Erica (as Ida would say), and I've survived way, way worse.

10. I am gonna have to fight to continue to make me more me.
Last night the really great dude I met when I came to apartment hunt (You know, the one I felt instantly comfortable with? Good grief, just read the prior post, whydon'tcha?!) mentioned that I have some West Coast verbiage that he is interested to see how it will morph and assimilate into Miamiese.  For example, one of the texts I sent to him yesterday simply said, "Rad. Byes for now."  For me, this is just how I talk.  It might be kinda Portland, or it might just be how I talk, but either way, I don't want to lose it.  More importantly, I don't want to lose what I've gained in terms of becoming more me while in Oregon.  That seven years came with so much growth and increasing comfort with being who I am, it scares me that some of that might be squashed by this city, or maybe worse, this career.  
Before I left OHSU, one of my primary supervisors said some semblance of the following to me, "<positive> You're ready for this (i.e., my new job).  You might not think you are, but I know you are.  From what I've seen, you're going to do great work.  <"constructive"--but also just kinda mean> My one piece of constructive feedback going forward is that you can be very high energy (i.e., what he really means is my personality is HUGE).  I know you know that, and I'm not saying it is a bad thing, but at times, I worry that it gets in the way. It borders on being problematic. I'd hate to see it interfere with your success." 
Whoa dude, way to find ALL of my insecurities and lay them out on the table in front of me.  I can't say that I totally disagree, but at the same time, I'd rather be the quirky professor with the BIG personality than the boring person who hates herself for trying to change who she is any day of the week.  That isn't to say that I don't realize that there is a time and place for everything, but personalities are pretty stable across contexts, so while I can "tone it down", it is still gonna be there, so how about telling me something that I can actually work on?


I'm sure there is more that I'm forgetting, and I'm certain there is more to come, but I finally had a moment to pause and ask, "Where the f*ck am I?!", so I figured it was time to share that with you.  Ciao for now from the Sunshine State.

How Not to Pick Up a Woman: Rule # 77: The RULE.

 

And I quote, "Hi, how are you? How is your weekend going. You are very cute and you have beautiful eyes. My name is XXXXX. I would love to get to know you and be friends with you. What's new with you" 

Wow, Friend, just wow.  You've really impressed me with your style and flare.  How am I?  How is my week going?  What is new with me?  

Where do I start?!  How about with dropping my panties to the floor because I'm so turned on right now?  You really know how to ask a question!

How Not to Pick Up a Woman: Rule # I: The to say I love you, one must first be able to say I'm probably not good enough for you rule.

And I quote, "Hi, I'm XXXX , and Im probably not the type of guy you go for but I wanted to take a chance to say how absolutely beautiful I think you are . I'm sure you hear that all day long on here and wether you respond or not just wanted to say thank you for putting a smile in my face with your beauty, I hope your personality is just as amazing ."

Awww, Friend. Cheer up, Buttercup.  Let's do a little Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on that statement.  What feelings did you have when you had that thought? Where do you think these thoughts are coming from?  Isn't it really that deep down you feel like you "aren't good enough" or maybe that in some way you are "unlovable"?  Let's try to own our feelings rather than placing them on someone else. How about a little reframe? What if instead we said, "I'm going to message this girl, and she may or may not write me back, but I was still brave enough to put myself out there."?  Your homework for this week is to message a girl using a more neutral or positive reframe.  See, now isn't that better?  And since I'm now officially Dr. Schmerica, that will be $150.  You can just forward it to my Paypal.


 

Let Go.

 As the time approaches for me to leave my beloved Pacific Northwest in a fashion that feels frighteningly exponential, I've been reflecting on the things I'll be leaving behind.  It brings me equal parts sadness and joy. I am so sad to be leaving so many wonderful people, places, and things behind.  I am so very lucky to have been able to live here during the time that I did.  This is true both with respect to the time during my own development that I was able to be here, as well as the time I was able to be here as the greater Pacific Northwest is developing as a whole.  I think it was an excellent fit. I knew when I stepped off the plane to interview for graduate school in Eugene that it was where I was going to live.  It felt like home.  It was February, but everything was lush and smelled like soil and evergreen.  It was where I needed to be.  

I've grown so much in the time that I've been here, and I was asked to carry a lot of weight during the time I was here: moving somewhere I knew almost no one (twice), graduate school, teaching, clinical work, research, a full-time job, commuting 100 miles for work, my first real love, commuting 200 miles for love, the end of my first real love, the loss of my father, the loss of my dog, the "loss" and return of my brother, my support of my mother, bouts of nearly crippling anxiety, depression, and self-doubt.  And not only have I emerged stronger, I've emerged more fully formed.  I have a better sense of who I am now than I've ever had before, and I know it was because of the many people and experiences I've come to know here.  I'll be leaving so much behind, but at the same time, this place has fundamentally shaped who I am, and that is something that can't simply be let go.